Claygate CC is only a small village club but we’ve been to Sri Lanka (1995), Barbados (1997), Goa (1999), South Africa (2001) and Trinidad and Tobago (2003).

Police 233/5 in 35 overs, Claygate 130/10 in 35 overs

Our second game against the Police All-stars included the deputy commissioner. They scored 200 plus…we were a hundred short. Luke (2-22) and Joel opened the bowling and for an hour Claygate were competing on even terms but all the other bowlers got hammered.

Rufus (28) and Ian D saw off St Lucia’s opening bowler but at what expense as Rufus’ a toe was broken by a vicious yorker – injury number three for the party. Dillon complained that Ian wasn’t getting into line behind the ball. Rufus resorted to the reverse sweep as he threw caution to the wind. Chris batted out the innings for 36 not out.

After the game the locals celebrated their win with a parade of marching bands from all the services – police, army, girl guides…

After another embarrassing defeat, captain for the day Chris and

wicket-keeper batsman Jamie were asked to host a news conference by the pool to discuss the side's latest embarrassing defeat.  Told that the press had been diverted to another story, they were instead invited to talk by phone to local reporter Clyde Henderson.   

Clyde: “How do you react to tonight's statement from the St Lucia Cricket Association saying they can't find anyone bad enough to play Claygate?” Jamie: “Oh no, is it that what they are saying?”

Clyde: “Could we splash a big headline in the paper tomorrow saying "Claygate Tour is a Disaster” Chris: “For Christ's sake don’t say that.  We only play for fun.”

After a ten minute wind-up, the embarrassed pair were let in on the joke. Clyde, alias Ian D, somehow escaped being thrown in the pool.

Unfortunately no one can remember what happened on this day in the history of Claygate Cricket Club… but the injuries were mounting with Chris suffering from severe sunburn. Fergie was on hand with the magic spray.

So a mention of a few other goings-on on tour… we won’t tell too much because “what happens on tour, stays on tour”.

Late night outings to find some extra-curricular entertainment were the preserve of those famous party animals, Jake and Marsh, who also led Paul and Steve astray. It was such a shame Alan McKinley and Graham Dear were not with us. They would have given Paul a run for his money. Paul was great company and it was a shame he was not able to make his Claygate debut.

We should make mention of the younger tourists: Will, Tom and Princess Alice were all stars and Ashley took his role as team mascot very seriously. Will and Tom enjoyed the delights of St Lucia TV but they also enjoyed frequent visits to Smugglers’ Cove.

Jade was probably the most popular tourist and certainly attracted the most attention from the younger cricketers.

Specs was as usual the keenest of tourists wanting to play in every game and explore every corner of this island paradise. I was told that Des was spotted more than 5 yards from the bar on one occasion but he still had a Piton, or 8, in his possession.

And we can’t forget Dillon. What an impression he made on tour. His tactical nous was well known throughout the Caribbean and put to good use during our 200 run defeat at Soufriere, or at least explaining it afterwards. He readily gave up his time to pass on his vast cricket knowledge to the younger players.

His leg-spin looked really promising when he bowled at Mindoo Philip Park, especially to the opposition batsmen who lapped it over the main stand and out of the ground. It was his 1^st XI batting skills we wanted though. He was half way up the averages, unfortunately for Claygate that didn’t mean too much, 3.8 runs per innings…

Soufriere 237/7 in 40 overs, Claygate 37/10 in 14 overs

(the scoreboard got it wrong – they only made 237 – it made a big difference)

We made the long journey, all of 16 miles as the crow flies… but 2 hours as the coach doesn’t fly, to this stunning ground under the shadow of the world famous “Piton” mountains.

En route we had the hilarious climax to Ian D’s latest wind-up. Wearing his Barmy Army hat on a local radio phone-in a day or two before, Suranjan had been defending the Barmies who had been accused of being like a British version of the Klu Klux Klan.

Ian decided he could not miss this opportunity for a wind-up and had left a bogus note at the hotel inviting Suranjan to a meeting with a Deputy Grand Wizard of the KKK who wanted to recruit him.

Suranjan was flying out that morning back to the UK so on the way to the game, Ian decided not to let up and phoned Suranjan at the airport from the coach to try and make contact again to “enlist” him.

Suranjan was as polite as he could be in the circumstances: “I am a black man. I’m not interested” barked Suranjan. KKK Deputy Grand Wizard, alias Mr Darke, replied in a Texan drawl: “that needn't be a problem, Mr Cooray” indicating that the KKK were a “much more liberal organisation these days and could accommodate him...” The coach erupted into laughter as the conversation unfolded.

Finally Ian relented and came clean. We haven’t seen or heard from Suranjan since…

Back to the game. Soufriere - there probably isn’t a more picturesque ground in the Caribbean… but the temperature was close to 100 in the shade but there were no facilities or real shade... The roll of shame should be etched into the Claygate annals but the players just wanted the game to be expunged from the records altogether. Nigel told the visiting Wisden journalist that even for all the rum and cokes in the world he wouldn’t reveal the scores on this fateful day!

The roll of shame:

It was the second heaviest ever defeat Rufus had ever witnessed for Claygate, 11 years after Kalutara beat us by 238 runs on the Sri Lanka tour and the second lowest score he had seen after a 21 all out against Ham and Petersham at Dalmore Avenue in 1992. Dave Price was the only one to emerge with credit with 1-26 and the top-scorer…

Afterwards, for those who didn’t chicken out and go back to the hotel to lick their wounds, there were the delights of Seafood Friday. You just can’t imagine the shops in the Claygate Parade putting out tables in the street and serving crab cakes, lobster, potato cakes and fish curry - they do it every week at Anse La Raye.

Other highlights of the evening included Fergie’s arrival at Seafood Friday; he was a new man with a hairdo. So impressive was Fergie’s hair that Princess Alice and Mary-Jane vowed to follow suit.

Later on the adventurous went onto the Gros Islet Street party where Julia was horrified to find blood in the street and wanted to go home, Gloria thought it was just a bit of spilt red paint. It transpired that there had been a murder just minutes before…

Claygate 159/10 in 29.3 overs, Soufriere 160/5 in 27.5 overs

The second game at Soufriere in two days. A hard slog to get there and to try and improve morale, we arranged to bat first to see if we could change the recent run of form. Jamie Henderson hit a useful 76 and we posted a respectable 159 – our highest score so far. They got them for five down. Bowling honours to Dick with 2 late wickets. How do they hit the ball so hard?

Mon Repos 184/10 in 22.4 overs, Claygate 87/10 in 25 overs

Rain and a mini-marathon in the morning meant the game started a few hours late… and we agreed to a 30-over game. It didn’t make any difference.

They scored just less than 200... we were a hundred short! A pattern was emerging… However we did bowl them out with Luke, Dave, Russ and Jamie all taking 2 wickets in an over each. Jake produced the most economical spell of the tour with his now familiar array of deliveries that fool the batsman.

Only Ian D (21) and Dave (31 not out) scored any runs. Luke hit a six and celebrated like we had won the match. Steve Taylor marked his Claygate debut with a duck. Steve Wells completed his third duck of the tour. Dillon enjoyed the banter with the supporters and was docked three-quarters of his match fee.

The post-match atmosphere was very special with great interaction with the locals. Throughout the tour, our coach always traveled with copious supplies of Piton beer to supplement the water! And that’s why the locals remember us! Apparently other touring teams just don’t socialize with the opposition.

Well tanked up following the post-match celebrations, there was a massive singsong on the way back. Lucky there were no Aussie’s on tour since every song seemed to take the piss out of them…

“The Aussies love the English, you might find it quite strange
’Cos we sent them all down under, with only balls and chains
And when they see the English, they always shout and scream
But when they had the chance to vote they voted for the Queen!
God save your gracious Queen…Long live your noble Queen
God save your Queen (you're a convict)…Send her victorious
Happy and glorious…Long to reign over you…God save your Queen.”

Day 11 – Monday 20^th February

One of the best days of the tour – the whole group together for the Boat trip to see some of the major sites of the island - the Diamond Waterfalls and Gardens, the Sulphur Springs, the Piton mountains and St Lucia’s fantastic bays and beaches. A really memorable day…at least until the rum took hold! A recurring pattern?

Ian D told Jade that the Sulphur Springs looked very realistic and she believed him – only a minor wind-up but will they never learn?

Rumour had it Susie came back from the Boat Trip worse for wear – she did not appear until the next day. Maureen and Paddy won the competition for being the longest married couple as the crew entertained us with some games more akin to Club Med than St Lucia which finished with a traditional Claygate moon.

On our return, most of the party moved onto Spinnakers. Little did this bar know what they were letting themselves in for… Suzanne led the singing and this was the night Dick was ejected from a bar.

Day 12 – Tuesday 21^st February

The intrepid explorers – Nigel, Chris, Jamie, Joel, Dave – set off for Soufriere to become the first Claygate players to reach the top of Grand Piton. All returned safely.

With news that Ian M’s hamstring was on the mend, the tour management took the decision to send Andy, Ian D and Steve W back home. There was still time for Ian D and Steve W to embarrass themselves in a game of mixed doubles with Julia and Susie.

Some tourists forgot they were on a holiday island paradise and watch Arsenal in the Champions league. It was only the first leg. But they did well against the aging galacticos – doing well against an aging team - sounds familiar?

In the evening the resident hotel entertainer organised the pool Olympics. It was England versus the rest of the world - a hotchpotch of Canadians, a Welshman and a South African. England were represented by Ashley, Jake, Luke, Dave M and Joel and won a close contest by both fair and tactical means.

This was David G’s 65^th birthday. David and Anita celebrated all day and by the evening were a bit worse for wear. The hotel had decorated their room to mark the occasion, spreading flowers over their bed. Apparently Anita wasn’t that impressed and was more worried about getting flower petals stuck in uncomfortable places.

Lancers 236/9 in 31 overs, Claygate 155/9 in 31 overs

Our last game at Mindoo Phillip Park took place immediately after the St Lucia Independence Day celebrations.

Tour selectors had some headaches as the entire Chelsea contingent pulled out of the game – their support didn’t make any difference to Chelsea fortunes as they went down to Barcelona.

The highlight of the match was Joel’s 5-38, his first ever “five-for”, or “Michelle” if you are an Australian (if you don’t get it, think of a famous actress called Michelle), and Claygate’s first ever overseas five-wicket haul. What a place to do it and Joel was man of the match – one of the very few times a Claygate player has ever won a man of the match award overseas!

They scored 200 plus…we were nearly a hundred short. Sounds familiar? In addition to Joel’s bowling, Chris bowled his best spell so far, Russ hit 35, Chris 49 and Dave 23 not out. Alun’s became injury number five as he suffered a displaced finger.

That night several groups went out to St Lucia’s premier restaurant “The Great House”. The result - Russ nearly proposed to Pam after 19 years together – he got down on his knees but then he fell asleep. It also transpired that this was Luke’s first visit ever to a restaurant, if you don’t count McDonalds, Burger King, KFC…

CCSS 190/8 in 37 overs, Claygate 161/9 in 37 overs

The cricketing highlight of the tour. We played a representative junior side and had the pleasure of playing on St Lucia’s pride and joy, the recently completed 12,000-seater test ground at Beausejour. In 2003 Sri Lanka were the first team to play a test here and England had played a 1-dayer against the West Indies here on their triumphant test tour in 2004 but lost. Would Claygate fare better?

Beausejour was also about to host the first ever day-night match to be played in the Caribbean when England A arrived for two one-day internationals the week after Claygate. We saw the pylons but the lights weren’t up yet… well it’s the Caribbean.

Twenty-five Claygate supporters filled the stadium with enthusiastic support! It was the closest game of the tour. They scored 190. We

were 29 short with nine wickets down at the end. Rohit acquired a new nickname when his name was mis-spelt in the scorebook by the opposition scorer – “Nohit Bahl” – apt? A great game and a real occasion!

Claygate always like to hold a Last night party. Our local tour rep had organised this at Scuttlebutts. Remember the first night reception that wasn’t? Well the last night party did not live up to much either. The highlight was certainly the girls last night song and strangely no one was thrown into a swimming pool much to Ian D’s relief – he was tucked up in bed in Red Lane.

We had a more relaxing day than we might have expected because the airline organized local check-ins at each hotel in Rodney Bay. Someone mentioned we should try and start the table-tennis tournament that we had all signed up for on day 1. Most just wanted to lounge around or shop.

Clyde Henderson came back to find out how the party were feeling after two weeks in paradise. In his capacity of Claygate Club Secretary, Rufus reflected, “Each game presented a variety of challenges - none of which we were quite up too, but in overall terms we had a terrific time on a fantastic island. Our only question is...where too next?”

22 little boys had 22 little toys

Each had a wooden bat

Gaily they played, Luke minced away

Cricketers all of course

A few little chaps then had some mishaps

Rufus broke his toe

Ian got a strain and screamed in pain

Al broke his finger but we know

Did we think you would stop collecting

When there’s room for a bob or two

Place a bet boys, you’ll soon be flying

Into the pool so blue

When they went off for all their matches

The captains were in control

Jamie made some runs, Dick fielded well

Wickets by Chris and Joel

Long days passed but we were out fast

When Dillon was skipping our side

Nigel made amends, everyone was friends

Then Nohit bowled a wide

We went to the pit, but Jake went for tits

Pricey bottled out

Marsh took his place, much to his disgrace

Quack, quack

Batted for a duck then out

Did you think we would leave you all crying

When there’s room on our bus for all

Climb up here Marsh, we’ll soon be flying

Back to the cold and gloom

Now Tony was our umpire

Russ, Dave and Steve and Tony played well too

And I guess that’s when we remember

That Claygate we love you…

Suranjan for making the trip possible

Tony and Errol for umpiring

Roland for organising the matches

Batsmen: Jake Dear, Russ Guyatt, Rufus Legg, Marshall Nicholls, Tony Stuart, Steve Taylor, Dillon Woods

All-rounders: Rohit Bahl, Paul Bernard, Suranjan Cooray, David Gallo, Chris Howe, Dick Murphy, Dave Price, Joel Watkins

Wicket-keepers: Alun Cope-Morgan, Jamie Henderson

Bowlers: Nigel Abbott, Ian Manton, Luke Webb

Replacements: Ian Darke, Andy Spector and Steve Wells

Umpire: Tony Manton

Manager: Paddy Walsh

Coaches: Tom (batting coach) and Will (bowling coach) Guyatt

Video Analyst: David Manning

Media Consultant: Des Dakers

Team Mascot: Ashley Barons

Technical Expert: Nigel Ferguson

Barmy Army: Susie Abbott, Kim Bahl, Mary-Jane Chiplin, Anita Gallo, Alice Guyatt, Julia Herriott, Pam Jarvis, Jade Manton, Roma Manton, Sandra Manton, Kathleen Murphy, Gloria Stuart, Maureen Walsh, Suzanne Walsh

Chris Howe 128 runs @ 32

Rufus Legg 28 runs @ 28

Dave Price 80 runs @ 26.7

Russ Guyatt 79 runs @ 19.8

Jamie Hend’n 110 runs @ 18.3

Dick Murphy 62 runs @ 15.5

Alun Cope-M 12 runs @ 12

Ian Darke 30 runs @ 10

Tony Stuart 28 runs @ 7

Joel Watkins 24 runs @ 4.8

Dillon Woods 19 runs @ 3.8

Jake Dear 10 runs @ 3.3

Rohit Bahl 8 runs @ 2.7

Luke Webb 8 runs @ 2.7

Nigel Abbott 4 runs @ 2

David Gallo 4 runs @ 1.3

Andy Spector 3 runs @ 1

Steve Wells 2 runs @ 0.5

Steve Taylor 0 runs @ 0

Marshall Nicholls 0 runs @ 0

Ian Manton 21 runs, no average

Ian Manton 6 wkts @ 6.7

Dick Murphy 6 wkts @ 12.8

Dave Price 6 wkts @ 34

Joel Watkins 6 wkts @ 34.5

Chris Howe 6 wkts @ 39.5

Luke Webb 5 wkts @ 23.8

Steve Wells 3 wkts @ 51.7

Jamie Henderson 2 wkts @ 27

Andy Spector 2 wkts @ 42.5

Nigel Abbott 2 wkts @ 71

Russ Guyatt 2 wkts @ 9

Jake Dear 1 wkt @ 6

Rohit Bahl 1 wkt @ 24

5- Jamie Henderson - 3 catches & 2 stumpings

2- Alun Cope-Morgan - 1 catch & 1 stumping, Dave Price 2 catches

1- Rohit Bahl, Russ Guyatt, Chris Howe, Rufus Legg, Dick Murphy, Marshall Nicholls, Joel Watkins, Luke Webb, Steve Wells - 1 catch each